{"id":1922,"date":"2019-02-14T10:13:27","date_gmt":"2019-02-14T10:13:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.spotlight.com\/?p=1922"},"modified":"2026-03-06T11:49:33","modified_gmt":"2026-03-06T11:49:33","slug":"how-your-other-half-loves-how-to-support-your-partner-and-how-they-can-support-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.spotlight.com\/news-and-advice\/lifestyle-wellbeing\/how-your-other-half-loves-how-to-support-your-partner-and-how-they-can-support-you\/","title":{"rendered":"How Your Other Half Loves: How to Support Your Partner and How They Can Support You"},"content":{"rendered":"

Mental Health and Wellbeing Manager Bea Grist talks about what it’s like to love and support a performer-partner…<\/h2>\n

Nine years ago, I met my performer partner whilst we were working for the same theatre company. We spent every free moment together and we fell in love. But then my beloved went off on a six-month tour of village halls and small-scale theatres, and suddenly our relationship went from \u2018normal\u2019 to one that only performers and their partners would recognise: snatching rare nights together in digs in such romantic places as Sutton Coldfield, Chipping Sodbury and Mansfield, in between weeks of tired late-night post-performance phone calls which still went on until 2am.<\/p>\n

And you know what? It\u00a0was\u00a0<\/em>romantic.<\/p>\n

But given that the course of true love never did run smooth, what practical steps can you take to support each other when one (or both) of you is trying to make a living in one of the most competitive and challenging industries in the world?<\/p>\n

Trust<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Othello lost it, Medea misplaced it and Baby flew into Johnny\u2019s arms on the wings of it. Trust is fundamental in any relationship whether you\u2019re dating a performer or an accountant, although accountants are less likely to be quite so emotionally connected to their work (or their colleagues).<\/p>\n

Performers often lack opportunities to spend time with their tribe, so when they do work, the social side of employment can be intense and all-consuming. Bonding in this way with colleagues they will be relying on both on and off stage is a good thing. Only performers truly know what performers go through, both when they\u2019re employed and when they\u2019re not. So that post-show drink isn\u2019t just a reward for a job well done; it\u2019s a chance to shake off days and days of soul-destroying \u2018resting\u2019, fruitless anticipation, and perfunctory rejection. But combine that with many weeks, even months, apart and it\u2019s no wonder that we can become paranoid and anxious other halves. As a non-performer this was something I initially struggled with and it left me feeling a bit of an outsider.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s important to involve partners socially, when the opportunity arises, so that other halves feel included in the nicer aspects of the performing life. Once introduced to a performer\u2019s colleagues, the other half can put names to faces and will feel less insecure. This isn\u2019t needy or clingy. It\u2019s normal. Plus, other halves are very proud of their performer partners and it is equally normal to want to share in that pride, whether it\u2019s on a red carpet or in the Red Lion.<\/p>\n

Flexibility<\/strong><\/h3>\n

\u2018Flexibility\u2019 implies compromise, but call it \u2018spontaneity\u2019, even \u2018serendipity\u2019, and immediately the narrative has changed. So, when the agent rings last thing on a Friday with exciting news of an audition first thing on Monday (\u2018please find attached six pages of sides and be off book<\/em>\u2019) the performer\u2019s instincts will kick in and their radar will lock on to the target. But with this news the partner\u2019s hopes for the weekend may have already taken a direct hit.<\/p>\n

The \u2018cancelled\u2019 weekend has happened to me\u00a0a lot<\/em>\u00a0and I find the most useful way to look at it is to think that I\u2019ve been gifted a whole two days of free time: a chance to do some of the things I like doing but my partner doesn\u2019t (vintage clothes shopping) or an opportunity to do some of the things I\u2019ve been putting off (upcycling an ottoman or alphabetising my spice cupboard – don\u2019t ask).<\/p>\n

\u2018Spontaneity\u2019 also extends to booking holidays. My partner and I only ever book holidays a few weeks\/days\/hours in advance and I (now) love never quite knowing what is round the corner. I\u2019ve also learnt that one of the (few) positives of unemployment is more time to share: take that trip out to the countryside together or go and see a film and escape into someone else\u2019s story for a couple of hours (Spotlight members get cheap cinema tickets through\u00a0Spotlight Discounts\u00a0so no excuses). Life, as we know, is what happens to us while we\u2019re making other plans, so don\u2019t let your plans get in the way of living.<\/p>\n

Independence<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Life as the partner of a performer could be lonely. Much of my relationship with my partner has been spent apart. I have had to learn to love my own company, and I am an expert at going to the theatre on my own. But in many ways dating a performer\u00a0is\u00a0<\/em>the best of both worlds because you get the freedom of feeling like a single person with the stability of being part of a couple. Inevitably when one falls in love, even the closest of friendships can sometimes take a hit as the object of one\u2019s desire takes centre stage, so to speak.<\/p>\n

But not here: if anything my friendships with both my single and non-single friends have grown stronger as I have been able to spend just as much time with them as ever, and have been there for them when they needed me (and I needed them). And I have been able to avoid the clarity of my own ambitions and purpose being subsumed under the more nebulous and potentially devitalising tyranny of \u2018the couple thing\u2019. This might not be everyone\u2019s cup of tea but personally I think a relationship which lets both \u2018I\u2019 and \u2018We\u2019 stand tall beside one another is a strong and exciting one.<\/p>\n

For Better, For Worse<\/strong><\/h3>\n

What doesn\u2019t kill you makes you stronger, right? In this industry even the most consistently busy and pro-active performers who have everything in place (good agent, good contacts, good reputation, reliable resting work for those all-important senses of purpose and routine) will have their black dog days. I\u2019m talking about those days when other people\u2019s judgments or rejection, a missed opportunity, a lack of progression\/recognition\/money (take your pick) take their toll on a performer\u2019s creativity and mental health, and challenge even the most established and stable relationships.<\/p>\n

The best thing a partner can do for a loved one is simply listen. Often one doesn\u2019t need to say anything. Just being willing to listen without judgment to their problems, whether real or perceived, will make them feel less alone and less isolated, and if you know they\u2019re going through a difficult period then tell them you are thinking about them. In an industry where one can feel dismissed on a daily basis, just creating a space for each other to be heard can be enough. It is difficult for the partner to see their loved one frustrated and seemingly at the mercy of an industry that isn\u2019t, and never will be, fair. But just being heard is the tallest support towards good mental health, and relationships thrive on good mental health.<\/p>\n

Compromise Versus Sacrifice<\/strong><\/h3>\n

Be aware of the difference between compromise and sacrifice.\u00a0<\/strong>To create something great requires sacrifice, and I believe this is true for relationships too. But this sacrifice shouldn\u2019t force anyone to negotiate their sense of integrity or their identity. There may be some non-negotiables and that\u2019s okay \u2013 don\u2019t be afraid to voice them. As I said in my\u00a0previous Spotlight article<\/a>, fulfilment can change over time. Be mindful that what you found fulfilling when you first met may no longer be fulfilling ten years later, know what you want from your future together and be prepared to be flexible (or spontaneous!) too.<\/p>\n

\u2018May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears\u2019<\/strong><\/h3>\n

A career in the performing arts doesn\u2019t always lead to long-term financial stability, and falling in love with a performer won\u2019t always lead to a conventional relationship, but one thing I do know is that few things in our world are as rich, as strong and as fruitful as two people, each connected to their own life’s purpose, choosing to face the future hand-in-hand.<\/p>\n

Bea Grist<\/a>\u00a0is Spotlight’s Mental Health and Wellbeing Manager and a Life and Wellness Coach. She trained with CTI (Co-active Training Institute) and offers one-to-one coaching to support you in bringing more clarity to your life. Prior to becoming a coach, Bea marketed Nottingham\u2019s and then London\u2019s theatre and arts scenes for thirteen years, working with such companies as New Perspectives, Nottingham Playhouse, Almeida Theatre, National Theatre, and Ambassadors Theatre Group. She is passionate about supporting and empowering performers to thrive.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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